By Grumps
Grumps' Grotto Diatribes – Truth grenades from the back of the infernal barstool
“Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.”
There it is. Rule #1 of the Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth. Not carved into stone tablets by some delusional sky ghost, but typed out by Anton LaVey in 1967—back when men still smoked indoors and didn’t cry on social media because someone disagreed with them.
Simple, brutal, and exactly what the modern world can’t handle.
Let’s break this sucker wide open.
The Disease of Unsolicited Mouth-Flapping
Modern culture is a landfill of unasked-for opinions. Everyone’s got a soapbox, a blog, a comment section, a megaphone duct-taped to their ego. And they use it—oh boy, do they use it.
Your diet? Someone’s offended.
Your parenting? They’ve got a TikTok explaining why you’re the devil.
Your hairstyle? Clearly it’s a cry for help, Karen says from her gluten-free high horse.
Rule #1? It’s a muzzle for the self-important. A reminder that just because your brain made a noise doesn’t mean the rest of us want to hear it.
In Satanism, restraint isn’t weakness. It’s precision. And Rule #1 is about tactical silence—a lost art in the age of diarrhea-mouth discourse.
Consent Doesn’t Stop at the Bedroom
This rule isn’t just about being polite. It’s about boundaries—and Satanism is built on them.
You don’t get to vomit your wisdom onto someone just because you're sure you're right. That’s the same arrogant rot that built religions, cults, and YouTube life coaches with neck tattoos and no credibility.
You know what is Satanic? Waiting until someone invites your voice into their world. It means your advice has weight. It means your opinion is actually welcome—not just some intellectual dick-pic flung into someone’s inbox.
Because unsolicited advice is domination in disguise. And domination without consent is never Satanic. It’s just pathetic.
The Arrogance of “I’m Just Trying to Help”
Here’s a fun fact: if you’re always “just trying to help,” but no one’s better off and everyone’s annoyed, maybe you’re not helping. Maybe you’re a self-righteous blowhard hiding behind a noble mask.
See, religious types are infamous for this. Evangelicals don’t “spread the word” because you asked. They do it because they think their beliefs are a gift—like a flaming bag of dogshit is a present if it’s wrapped in Bible verses.
Satanism calls that what it is: arrogance in a halo. Rule #1 doesn’t tolerate it.
Ask yourself—do you offer insight because someone truly wants it, or because you want to hear yourself sound clever?
If it’s the latter, zip it. Let your silence be your contribution to humanity.
The Devil’s Mirror
Let’s be honest: this rule cuts both ways.
You want people to respect your boundaries? Then respect theirs.
You don’t want Karen lecturing you about crystals and essential oils? Then don’t corner your cousin about Ayn Rand over Thanksgiving turkey.
Silence is power. Choose when to speak, and you become a scalpel instead of a sledgehammer. You become someone worth listening to instead of background static in a world of screeching peacocks.
This rule? It’s not about humility. It’s about mastery. Of yourself. Of your impulses. Of your voice.
And if you’re too weak to hold your tongue until it's time, you’re not rebellious. You’re just loud.
Final Shot Across the Bow
Satanism isn’t a license to spew. It’s a philosophy of sovereignty—starting with your own damn mouth.
So before you dump your two cents on someone who didn’t ask for them, remember:
“Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.”
That’s not oppression. That’s elegance.
It’s not silence. It’s selective fire.
And it’s not weakness. It’s the strength to shut the hell up until the world’s smart enough to ask what you think.
Embrace who you are. Live your best possible life. Conquer your perceived world.
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